Our first official meeting as YOUNG ADULT JOURNEY was at the Nickelodeon Pizza on Valley Boulevard in Colton on November 7, 2003. Then, two days later, on November 9, we had our first official Sunday Morning Meeting. I talked about Jesus’ call to us when he said, “Follow me and I will make you.” And that thought, has become the foundational principle of the ministry that we now call THE JOURNEY.
I had four points in that first message, and they are that following Jesus and allowing Him to make us what He wants us to be takes a team, time, transparency and trust. Tonight I want to revisit those points, but I want to add a specific focus that I’m going to borrow from another talk about communication, specifically how vital it is to listen to one another. Jesus said that people will know we are His followers by the love we show to one another. Now listening may not be the first thing we think about when we hear “love one another,” but if listening—really listening—isn’t an integral part of how we relate to each other as fellow Christians then we’re missing out both in experiencing the deeper joys of fellowship and the opportunity to meet one of the most significant needs any of us have—being heard.
Dr. Michael P. Nichols explains in his book, The Lost Art of Listening, that it hurts not to be listened to because we long to be understood. When others listen we feel we’re not alone. It’s a way of bearing witness, of sharing experiences. It takes others seriously, building them up by validating their thoughts and feelings. Most importantly, it connects us and deepens the intimacy that we share and that we all desire. As Nichols puts it, “the yearning to be listened to and understood is a yearning to escape our separateness and bridge the space that divides us. We reach out and try to overcome that separateness by revealing what’s on our minds and in our hearts, hoping for understanding.”
WE ARE A TEAM!
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility . . . His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two . . . and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.” – Ephesians 2:13-16
When we were reconciled to God through the cross, we were also reconciled to each other. Whatever divisions we had before no longer define us. We are, figuratively speaking, “one new man,” one body of Christ. But just because we are already one doesn’t mean we can just phone in our Christian walk. That would be like a couple getting married, walking down the aisle, saying their vows, sealing them with a kiss and then going their separate ways: it just doesn’t make sense! There’s love there, commitment, a responsibility to each other that they have to follow through on in order to experience all the joys of marriage and the growth that comes with serving each other through thick and thin until the end. Likewise, when we heed God’s call to follow Him, we all end up walking together. Whether we realized it or not a commitment to Christ is a commitment to each other. We are a team! This is so fundamental that if you ever find yourself drifting away from regular fellowship with other Christians, you may need to ask yourself if you aren’t also becoming distant in your walk with the Lord. Conversely, if you notice yourself drifting away from close fellowship with God, seek out people who are seeking God and stick close to them. We need to be engaged in Christian friendships that go beyond a handshake and a smile at Sunday service. Those people you see praising God all around you are not strangers, they are brothers and sisters with stories and struggles and we need to walk alongside them through thick and thin through the end.
Paul says in Romans 12:10 that we are to, “be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” I cannot think of a more practical way to honor someone than to listen to them. The essence of good listening is empathy, which can only be achieved by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves and entering into the experience of the other person. “To listen,” says Dr. Nicols, “is to pay attention, take an interest, care about, take to heart, validate, acknowledge, be moved. . . appreciate.” If no one ever listened to us, we would be trapped in the loneliness of our own souls. In fact, when we don’t have the kind of relationships that we need, we look for other ways to experience “excitement, enthusiasm, responsiveness, gratification—the same kinds of feelings that can be had from a good talk with someone we care about.” If we don’t find the kind of deep connections we need in the church, we may withdraw into isolation, use things like video games or facebook as a substitute, or connect with people who may ultimately draw us away from God.
BECOMING A TEAM TAKES TIME
Walking with God doesn’t mean that you now have it all figured out, just like driving a car doesn’t mean you know what is going on under the hood. And it doesn’t mean you know where you’re going, or even how to get there. What it means is that you’ve made a start. You’ve traded your old, decrepit excuse for a vehicle for the brand new, beautiful car of your dreams.
I’ve been a Christian for close to 30 years now, and I had a good foundation before I came to Centerpoint Church, but I’ve learned so much being a part of the journey these last seven years! Every time I’ve opened up God’s Word, He’s been there teaching me something, leading me into all truth, just as He promised. And so often when I’ve talked with you all I’ve gotten a new perspective or new insight into who God is, and I’ve been reminded what it means to be a follower of Christ. Believing in Jesus is not a one time thing. It’s a process of continual growth. And, to be honest, as a leader this has been a hard lesson for me to learn because some of you actually have come to this fellowship with issues… okay, ALL of us have issues, but some more obvious than others. And some of you have shared your struggles with me or others here that you trust. And there have been times when I wished you’d just grow up and stop sinning, or start making better choices. Sometimes I wished you could just understand how much God loves you and how He wants to use you, but you’ve been paralyzed by the pain of your past. There has been so much confusion, struggle and woundedness represented in this group, and I’ve wondered what I could say, what I could bring to the table that God could use to encourage you, to bring clarity, and help you take just one more step toward truth. But the most important time I’ve spent in ministry these last seven years has not been teaching from up front or leading a discussion, but afterwards, talking, listening, getting to know you and maybe getting to speak a timely word into your life. You see, when I get here on Friday nights, it’s all about getting ready for Fuel. Then, once 7pm hits, we start walking through all we have planned for the night. But afterwards, there’s no agenda. For me, having no agenda frees from working a plan to just being together as people.
Too often we treat people more as objects than persons. I have to admit that I’m guilty of this way too often! Objects are reproducible, quantifiable, controllable and dispensable. Persons are unique, uncanny, creative, and irreplaceable. Every person you talk to is worth your time, but don’t waste your time trying to put them in a box. True listening begins with an attitude that respects people as persons rather than treating them as objects. Martin Buber had some profound thoughts on this subject in his book I and Thou, written in 1923.
When we observe people, measure them, or examine them, we are engaging in I-It relationships. Rather than truly making ourselves completely available to people, understanding them, sharing totally with them, really talking with them, we keep a distance by either observing them or keeping part of ourselves outside the moment of relationship. We do so either to protect our vulnerabilities or to get them to respond in some preconceived way, to get something from them. That’s “I-It,” treating people as objects.
An “I-Thou” moment is when we place ourselves completely into a relationship, to truly understand and “be there” with another person, without masks, pretenses, sometimes even without words. Each person is coming to the relationship without preconditions. The bond this creates edifies each person, and each one responds to that edification by trying to edify the other person back. And a moment of true dialogue and sharing happens.
The reality is that people move in and out of I-It moments to I-Thou moments. In fact, attempts to try to purposely achieve an I-Thou moment will fail because the process of trying to create an I-Thou relationship objectifies it and makes it I-It. Even describing the moment objectifies it and makes it an I-It. So Buber encourages us just to be available to the possibility of I-Thou moments. Let them happen… naturally. They can’t be conjured up or described. When you have it, you know it.
TAKE TIME TO BE TRANSPARENT
Once we have a mindset of valuing people as people, we need to come to some practical realizations. We may not be able to create I-Thou moments, but we can be ready for them to happen by being transparent—both with God and with each other. If becoming a Christian begins with admitting, “Lord, I’m a sinner in need of your mercy,” then being a Christian necessarily means dropping the false pretense. To say “I’m a Christian” is to say “I don’t have it all together, and I know it, and I’m humbled by it, and I rely on God’s grace every day.”
But we’re not only humbled before God; we’re humble toward one another. We need to be open to what we can learn from others—their knowledge and experience. And we need to be vulnerable enough to share what we’ve learned from the victories and challenges of our own lives. And we need to be humble enough to accept when others notice our blind spots. This is called the Johari Window. But we can’t just be all open and vulnerable with everyone. There have to be people with whom we build the kind of trust that we can share more of ourselves with them over time.
TALK THROUGH YOUR LEVEL OF TRUST
We can all think of people in our lives that we trust. It may be that they stay true to their word, or that they’re always there for us no matter what. It may be the history we share with them, that we know them and have no reason to doubt them. It’s been 7 years since we’ve started THE JOURNEY. We’ve all been a part for various amounts of time. But I there are relationships of trust that have formed, and some that are just now beginning. In the same way, I know that each of us, the longer that we walk with God, the more convinced we are that He’ll never leave us or forsake us, that He is our Rock and His promise never fails. Even when times are hard or confusing we know He’s at work for our good.
This is the kind of trust that God is calling us to today. We know He loves us and we know He knows what’s He’s doing. We just don’t know exactly where He’s leading. We just know that we are supposed to be in communication with Him constantly. But don’t worry, not all prayer needs to be a deep theological discourse. I’d imagine our communication with God should be similar to our communication with each other—it has different levels.
LEVEL 5 – CLICHES: Using conventional messages to establish rapport, to break the ice, or to end a conversation. You might hug, kiss, shake hands, smile, make eye contact, and face one another. We exchange pleasantries and use clichés. We expect Clichés at the beginning and end of every conversation, regardless of our feelings about a person. Examples: “Hello. How are you?” “I’m fine. How are you?” “Paper or plastic?” “Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.”
LEVEL 4 – WHAT YOU KNOW: Making observations, offering knowledge to others; chit chat or small talk. You could use factual communication to network, to schmooze, to work the room. This includes reporting what you’ve read, what you’ve studied for a test, showing pictures of your family, and exchanging information about yourself. Factual communication is relatively safe and most of us do this well. Examples: “I’m majoring in business administration.” “Did you watch the basketball game last night?” “What did we do in class last Friday?”
LEVEL 3 – WHAT YOU THINK: Offering opinions, ideas and judgments. If you offer your opinion the odds are that others will offer their own opinions too, which may not be the same as yours. So you must be prepared for an eventual conflict or disagreement. Try to avoid sarcasm and nonverbal put-downs like rolling your eyes in response to someone else’s comments. Examples: “I agree with you!” “Of all my brothers and sisters, Mark is the better athlete.” “I thought that movie was excellent, especially when Mace Windu was fighting Darth Sidious.” “I’m not convinced that what you’re saying is reasonable.”
LEVEL 2 – HOW YOU FEEL: involves sharing our emotions and feelings with another person. We allow others to know our heart. This involves the need for self-awareness, self control, flexibility and empathy. Examples: “I deeply appreciate your thoughtfulness and generosity in helping me earlier.” “I’m so frustrated with you!” “I’m wish that I hadn’t called you that name. I hope that you’ll forgive me.” “He called me! I’m so excited to see him again!”
LEVEL 1 – MIRROR MOMENT: This is the experience and realization of being on the same page. Coming together with another in an extraordinary way. Two individuals who are gut leveling experience a transformation when they are sharing the exact same emotion with the same level of intensity. It’s as if, for the moment, two souls merge into one. Peak communication is rare, even among close friends and family members. Examples: “I love you. I love you too.” “I’m so angry with you. I’m so angry with you as well.” “I’m glad that we were able to fight long enough to get this resolved. Yes, I feel exactly the same way, glad that we communicated collaboratively.” “I’m scared. I’m scared too.”
Some things to remember about Levels of Communication: The greater the need to communicate our feelings, the harder it is to do. Each conversation ought to begin with Cliché communication and move through the levels (however quickly seems appropriate) before moving to the more intimate levels. Generally, we look for the other individual to reciprocate at the same level of intensity. Sharing our ideas and feelings is generally reserved for those whom we trust. We generally share our essence with those we’ve known a long time. To do this with others is pseudo-intimacy. Don’t be fooled!!!
As we begin to grasp the importance of listening, it is imperative that we don’t just let this knowledge go in one ear and out the other. One great way to apply what we know about loving by listening is to take The Great Tongue Test.
DAY ONE: SILENCE. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28). A temptation for many of us is to sell ourselves to others primarily through our words — we prefer to impress by telling instead of showing. As Ben Franklin observed, “Well done is better than well said.” So here’s the challenge for day one: See how little you can say in 24 hours. Give your tongue muscles and vocal cords a break. In every situation, ask yourself, “Will what I say make a difference?”
DAY TWO: ASKING QUESTIONS. Once your silence test is over and you’re ready to use some words again, try this: Just ask questions. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4). Who impresses you more, the person who frequently shares their resume or the person who asks about yours? At our core, we want to be known and appreciated. When someone else is talking, don’t spend your spare mental time judging their comments or planning your response. Instead, practice listening at a deeper level — try to understand their view of life. Then ask questions to clarify or get more detail. Most importantly, demonstrate that you want to know them — that they are worth your attention. The questions challenge gives you the opportunity to be curious. Living it out will bring you the reward of new knowledge and deeper connections with those around you.
DAY THREE: SPEAKING AS IF YOUR SUBJECTS ARE OMNIPRESENT. “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue” (Proverbs 11:12). How often do we not see the problem in gossiping because we assume the people we are talking about are too far away to be hurt by our comments? In our minds, we should always imagine the people we are talking about to be right there beside us taking it all in. That’s the challenge for day three: Only say about people what you would say to their face. That goes for everyone: your family, roommates, professors, bosses or anyone else you tend to talk about. Solomon even extends this principle to how we talk about people we may never meet. In Ecclesiastes, he says, “Do not revile the king even in your thoughts, or curse the rich in your bedroom, because a bird of the air may carry your words, and a bird on the wing may report what you say” (Ecclesiastes 10:20).
DAY FOUR: MAKING ONLY POSITIVE COMMENTS. “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). This scripture reminds us that the people around us need someone who can avoid the easy path of negative comments in favor of finding words that build up. Here’s the last test: Say only constructive things. There’s a French Proverb that says, “To speak kindly does not hurt the tongue.” So why does it seem so difficult to find nice things to say? It’s easier to detail problems, to complain or to criticize than it is to speak in terms of solutions, encouragement or support. The point of day four is to look for opportunities to bring healing through your words. It doesn’t just mean refraining from hurtful comments. It means only saying things that help — deliberately choosing to bless instead of curse.
It just won’t feel natural to stay silent or to limit your words to questions or nice things that can be said to people’s faces. Making your best effort in these challenges will pay off in your listening skills, your relationships and your maturity. “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.” (Proverbs 18:13, NIV)
FOR DISCUSSION…
What is the most helpful or interesting thing you learned today?
Read Luke 10:38-42. Is it harder to be like Martha, or like Mary? Why do you think that is so?
Read James 1:19. How can being quick to listen help us control our anger? What other vices could deter us from?
Read Luke 6:45. Can you think of a situation when having someone with a listening ear helped you sort out your thoughts and feelings?
Read Luke 8:43-48. Why was Jesus so insistent on finding who touched him? Wasn’t it enough that the woman was healed? Why do you think he stopped to listen to her story?
What level of communication do you feel you achieved as a group today?
